Congratulations on joining LinkedIn!
Now you can pester and annoy over 300 million people by using these time-tested tips.
Add random people as connections!
Complete strangers have been waiting for your invitation to connect. The time is now to send impersonal connection requests to anyone and everyone! Don’t bother crafting a unique message or telling them anything about yourself, because they will be overjoyed at the chance to know you!
Use an inappropriate picture!
That New Year’s Eve picture of you upside down over a keg has such great lighting, you’d be foolish to keep it to yourself. However, the shirtless picture from your beach vacation is a shining example of your professionalism. Flip a coin! Whatever you do, don’t post a clear picture of your face in that boring suit and tie. LinkedIn is a party, don’t be a bore!
Keep your profile as vague as possible!
People who visit your profile don’t care to know where you’ve worked and what your accomplishments are. Fill your profile with mystery by leaving out all the details. If you are a fan of cliffhangers, just type “I’ll fill this out later” in as many places as possible. Providing detail about your projects and positions will make people think you’re boasting, and no one likes a show-off.
Lie to make your experience look amazing!
In the areas of your profile where you decide to provide a little info, fill it with “wow factor.” Who will know that your Ph.D. is from a fake university, and your post-doctorate study in electronic music never really happened? You will appear so much cooler if you liven up your background with the stories of your alter-ego. You do want to be cool, don’t you?
Treat it like Facebook!
Did you have a thought? Share it! What did you eat for breakfast? Tell us! Your connections on LinkedIn are on the edge of their seat awaiting updates about your personal life. Tell them the slightly offensive one-liner you heard earlier today and how much you adore Kim Kardashian. Fill your updates with these personal notes to help people get to know the true you. Keep your professional life to yourself. Yawn!
Ask for recommendations from every connection!
You had a really funny conversation at the company Christmas party with that person, I’m sure they’d love to write up a paragraph about how awesome you are. Ask them! Don’t forget about the manager of that project that went terribly, I’m sure she’s forgotten all about it. She’d be delighted to fabricate a recommendation highlighting all your strengths. Every connection on LinkedIn loves you, and they will happily tell the world all about it. Just ask!
Flood your connections with sales propositions!
There are few things in life as good as unexpected solicitation. Spread the joy to every single connection by flooding them with your sales pitch. Your product is so amazing that you might offend someone if you don’t bring it up. Keep your connections happy by making sure they know what you’re selling and where to send the check. Don’t stop until their no becomes a yes! Happy selling!
Be a Negative Nancy!
We all know that guy who is overwhelming with positive energy. He’s always saying how great things are, and wishing well on the world. How obnoxious! Pessimism and creative negativity are great strategies to keep your connections from regretting knowing you. LinkedIn is the perfect place online to remind the world that your job is a bore, you dislike many things, and you can’t wait to be done with the week. Is it Friday yet!?
Don’t mind all the people who decide to disconnect from you after employing these strategies. They just don’t understand how someone could be so awesome. It’s obvious that they are just jealous! Keep up the good work, and pester away!